We first met in'76, introduced by a group of friends. Although i found her intriuging, i must admit, at first i was a little intimidated, and maybe a little bit turned off. You see although this was the first time we had been formally introduced, my parents had known her for years, and did not speak well of her.
In our early years, we were quite casual about our relationship, seeing each other almost exclusivley during some periods and almost ignoring each entirley during others. It was easy back then, we were young, there was never promise of commitment and the world was free and easy. Although i couldn't help but think , even way back then, that i felt like she wanted more from me, more of an attachment. Regardless, i kept her at arms length, bringing her out for special occasions and gatherings, or sometimes if i was just feeling lonely and contemplative. Whatever the circumstance, she always knew just how to be, and just how to settle me down. She was awesome that way.
As years progressed, I found it more and more difficult to keep her at arms length. Somehow or another, she had gotten inside me, and made herself part of my fibre, my very being.
It could be quite annoying at times, that carefree relationship that seemed to compliment my young lifestyle, that i thought, even seemed to elevate me socially, had begun to become occasionally awkward. She insisted on imposing on other relationships that i either had or wanted to start. I know for a fact that some of those relationships were short-lived due to her unyielding presence. Yet for some reason, i chose to stand by her, and even on occasion, defend her.
I recall times over the years, when i truley wondered about the validity of our relationship. We had gotten to a point where i found her distracting. She would take me away from my work, from friends who didnt share an appreciation for her, and from events where she felt she would'nt fit in, or was'nt welcomed. None the less, she was part of my world, knew all my friends, hell, she even was there the day i met and married my wife.
Like so many other challenges in life, the tough stuff begins to fade a bit as you get older and more settled in your ways and so was this the case with me and her. All in my world had simply learned to accept her as part of me, and aside from an occasionally dirty look, or suggestion that i should lose her, she became accepted. Problem was, i began to feel that our relationship was affecting me more negativley than i even would admit to myself
Then came a fatefull day i should never forget. I stumbled across a picture of her, with my daughter. My first born. The little blonde haired, brown eyed girl i actually prayed to God for all those years ago. The picture showed the two of them, my daughter clasping her firmly in her hand, she was smiling such a beautiful smile, like the world was in her palm, like i had thought so many years ago, when i first became involved with her.
My outrage was immediate. I sought-out my daughter,found her in her room and retrieved her from her sleep. Groggy eyed and confused, she seemed like she didn't know how to respond to the allegations of the relationship she had formed with her, and for a moment, my mind flashed back to all the times i too was in this position, having nothing valid to say, feeling foolish, but none the less defiant and protective of her and the relationship.
Within a few hours, my daughter appologised for the relationship, appologised for having lied about it, and confessed how long the relationship had been going on. I must admit, i was shocked and hurt to find out she had been seeing her for almost two years. She promised me she would end it, and i accepted her words with a degree of sinicism. I had made that same promise many times myself, yet she remained a part of my world.
A few weeks later, while driving home with my daughter, i asked her if she was managing along ok without her past relationship. Her response seemed a little vauge, so i pressed further for clarity or confirmation. Regrettably, i went too far, and insisted she provide me with a degree of proof that she was no longer involved with her. My daughters face got tight, her eyes cold and gray, and then she said it, she said what everybody, including ME was already thinking "When are YOU going to leave her dad?, I had to!"
There simply is no way in the world, that any Father worth his salt, can ask his kids to do something he refuses to do. To continue the relationship with her at this point, would be akin to nothing more than an act of cowardice and betrayal.
I sent her away a couple of days ago, and i'd sure like to tell you i feel good about it. I'd be lying if i did. I miss our time together after a meal, I miss the way she soothed my thoughts into making sense while i would conduct business, and i Know i'm going to miss her during the good times, while tipping a pint or two. Might even have to give that up for a while till the scars from this are little bit thicker.
Farewell my love, our time together has truley passed. You see, i love another far more than you. I have no doubt, that when i see you with another, i shall remember fondly our times together. But i must also remember that you tried to take my child from me. You are NO LONGER WELCOMED IN MY LIFE!
And so a thirty-five year relationship with cigarettes comes to an end. I hope youll all excuse my moodiness for a bit, i feel like ive just lost my best / worst friend.
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